To Know

I absolutely love the spring time! I love the flowers, I love the walks in the sun, I love the cool breezes and, yes, the romance. The only thing is, there hasn't been any romance in my spring times for some years now.

I have a friend that I had feelings for, and vice versa, and I was really hoping for, if not pushing for, us to be together. I decided that I was ready to open my heart back up to the idea of loving and being loved but he wasn't ready for such a commitment. I was a little hurt but that's irrelevant to this blog...maybe I'll explain that another time.

Anywho, I was chatting with another really good friend of mine, a mutual friend of my male friend and I. And she asked, "Have you prayed about what your role is in his life?" Now, I've prayed on the matter but I had not specifically asked God about who I was to be in this man's life. Surely, there is a season for everything and I could have been trying to make more out of something that is only supposed to be a certain way. Needless to say, that night I asked God about my role in his life and though I did not receive a direct response, the more I focused on God showing me who I am to be, the less I focused on my friend and who I wanted him to be. Eventually, he just was. I didn't desire to speak to him as I used to; furthermore, when I did speak to him, all I really had was a "hi."

So, it's kind of weird now because my friend and I have been conversing back and forth, practically everyday for about a year and I went from having everything to say to him, including "I love you," to have nothing much more than a "Hi. How's your week been?"

Here's the kicker: The other day he and I were conversing and I randomly made a comment about latex but in reference to gloves and he instantly thought something a little more mature...if you know what I mean. I chuckled and said, "Wow. What happened to giving me the benefit of the doubt? I don't do those things anymore." He responded, "Chickens don't lay eggs any more until they lay eggs." That's when it hit me...he doesn't know me. He doesn't know who I am, my character,...nothing. One who knew me, would have immediately thought that I was referring to gloves or balloons and would have had to been convinced that I was referring to a more mature item.

I am not at all negating the feelings I had for this person but I thought, "How on God's green earth could I have wanted to enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't even know me???" And to flip that, I don't know him. I mean, just as he wouldn't be able to honestly speak for my character, I wouldn't have been able to speak for his. Explaining the situation to the mutual friend, she says, "But he did know you." I ask, "What do you mean? Are you saying that I am not the same person I was a year ago?" And she says, calmly and matter-of-factly, "No; you're not."

So now, I think about all the conversations we've had and how much in depth they've been, I realize they have honestly, been kind of surface or just beneath. And then I realize that we will probably never go beyond the surface and will probably never truly know each other. But now that I know that we don't know each other, the desire to want to be his significant other is gone. He just is.

isn't it weird how we can be so blinded to the obvious because we want what we want? The mutual friend made a good point, "The heart can be deceiving." It's so true. My friend is completely attractive and due to his attractiveness, I was blinded by the realities of the matter. I ignored red flags and just swam in what was a pseudo-relationship but it wasn't going exactly how I wanted. Why? Because I didn't know what my role is in his life...I was trying to create something new. Now, could my role potentially change in the future? Sure. But right now, I need to know that I am to just be his friend.

I think it's funny though, that the potential romance that I had, fizzled in the spring. I think it's metaphoric for a newness to be produced in my life. Room has been made for me to bud in a new light and become a new flower...to just be. See, not only does he not know me, but I am still getting to know myself. I feel that this is the time learn and to know.