Renewing of Your Mind

Haters have never motivated me.  I can remember people always telling me to "try a little harder, prove all those who say 'you can't' wrong!'"  The problem with that is I never paid enough attention to those people to hear, "you can't." 

I recently posted a fb status that read, "I jogged 2/10 of a mile today! I'm determined to get my summer body but, more importantly, I want to be a jogger/runner."  My brother was the first to say,

 "*__* 2...tenths..of a MILE?!? lol do you know how short a distance a mile is? it's okay, though. I still love you, dear sister of mine. soon, you'll get that 2/10 and add the other 13, along with it. progress isn't something that just happens or appear overnight, it takes time, hard work...and determination. I believe in you...I think. lol jk"  

That was followed by someone else saying, "Marie, may I laugh! I officiate high school basketball at age 61 which means I have to run the court the entire game. Two-tenths of a mile? SMH" 

My responses to them were, "Wow..."I'll talk about how small your accomplishment was and then give you a pat on the back bc you're trying..." Way to be supportive, bro....Nope. It's never support when you minimalize and tear down someone's accomplishments," and "A*****, you and my brother can go run in circles...at the end of the day, I met my goal," respectively.  


The latter response, that person just likes to play devil's advocate and be a jerk sometimes...a lot of things said and done is to see how one responds, but looking at my brother's comment, both really, I notice how critical they both were.  It was all about how small they thought my accomplishment was and how much better they are than me.  Let me just throw this in, I never gave a total distance of my exercise...for all they know, I could have walked 5 miles and jogged 2/10.  They just saw "2/10 of a mile" and pointed out how small of a distance that was.  Well, for me, someone who was NEVER a runner, never consistent in exercising and refused to break a sweat, running 2/10 of the mile that I completed yesterday was pretty darn good.  The goal is to get to the point where I am jogging half a mile and then jogging a whole mile and then two.  But they completely overlooked the goal, the accomplishment and were flatout critical.


As I read their comments, more specifically my brother's comment, I think back to how people are raised.  My brother and I were both raised in the same home.  My family is very critical and rather judgmental.  Those are two things that I have had to work on, among many, as I left the home and began to develop in to the person I wanted to be.  My family are not cheerleaders...they will rip apart your accomplishments and tell you you could do better before they say, "Good job," so nothing was ever good enough.  Which takes us back to the opening sentence, "Haters never motivated me."  It irked the crap out of me that I couldn't just simply get a pat on the back or 'good job'...I was always in competition...which is also something I tend to stay away from.  I must admit, this produced a slacker in me.  I never really worked to my potential...what for?  My teachers and college professors would always look at me and get frustrated because they knew how much potential I had and how little potential I was working off of and to me, I was fine doing just enough to get by.  I didn't see the point in putting in all of this work only for it to be ripped apart because the truth is, if I put everything into it, I put everything into it so when my accomplishments were torn, I was being torn; that accomplishment represented me.  So, yea, I just didn't.  If I passed, I was content.  

On the other side of all of this, my criticized childhood produced intrinsic motivation later on down the road.  Anything that I go for now is simply for me...in fact, I have to snatch back certain things that I do well that others admire and want to use.  I have gotten to the point that I protect my successes, accomplishments and share them only with those who are worthy and appreciative.  Guitar is my biggest thing. I absolutely enjoy playing the guitar but I don't play it as well as I could...and I'm fine with that. I learn what I want to learn, when I want to learn it, at the pace that I want to learn it and I am fine with that.  The thing with me is, with most things I do, I think it's a horrible job (stemming from critical childhood) and others thing it's great.  My booski loves the acoustic guitar.  I remember drawing a mental line when I decided I was going to learn, between the guitar and the booski because I knew he'd want to use my guitar abilities at some point.  At first, I wouldn't play in front of him because what came out of the guitar was all me...it was what I felt and it didn't matter much how it sounded but with him being a musichead, it'd matter and I can't have him criticizing it.  I did get to a point where I would play in front of him but still had to be cognizant of requests for me to play and it got to a point where I had to step back and say, "No. This is mine; this is for me."  It's not because he was critical or anything, he is actually rather supportive, but I needed this thing of mine to be mine only...not to be in hands where it could be potentially mismanaged and criticized.

It wasn't until I got to college that someone constantly told me that I was a cheerleader.  Cheerleaders made me gag.  They were always so preppy and peppy and smiley and...UGH!...just too much "spirit." What I had come to understand this person to me is that I was/am always cheering someone along...supporting them...holding them accountable.  That came because I had to completely rewire my way of thinking and renew my mind.  Being overly critical of others just wasn't fun and people were afraid to talk to me.  I didn't want that because I knew how that felt.  Furthermore, it is not our job as Christians to be critical of others but we are to be supportive and encouraging and uplifting.  


That status and all that it produced, really made me think about how far I've come along as a Christian and how much renewing of my mind has happened.  It doesn't come easy but we should really stop and think about those things in us that are not Christ-like and outwardly effect others.


P.S. I will be a jogger...simply because I want to be...no credit to my haters.

so. Much. SILENCE!

Wow...it's almost been a year since I last blogged.  I am not exactly sure if that is a testament to how busy I have been or a reflection of how long I've been silenced. Yes, silenced.

I am in this season where my words continually slip me and while I have 1 million and one things to say, the thoughts won't process enough for the words to come to my lips.  Talk about silence being loud...inside my head, it's the noisiest place EVER...and then I am told to find ways to calm my spirit. HOW?! It's SO LOUD IN HERE!!!

I am not exactly sure how I got to this place. I'm sure it was a gradual progression.  I know why I am silenced, in fact, I am even being slowed down...locked down even and I know why.  All I can say is this season I am in...smh.  MY GOD!  We recently had a service where the spirit of God moved and Pastor said a couple of things that stuck with me but one that really stuck with me was when he said, "This season is growing you up."  Never have I heard truer words spoken.  There's this battle between flesh and spirit and I'm just caught in the middle.  I want one thing, my flesh wants another, my moods are up and down, I'm pouty, whiny, irritated, agitated, everything's wrong with me, everything's great...all of this going on and I can't find words to explain what's happening when people are looking at me half crazy trying to understand.  Boy, does that mess with your mind.  You have a moment where someone is trying to help you and you can't find the words to explain...which means, you're forced to go through this alone. Silenced.

There's a whole other side to it though, outside of me feeling a little bit everywhere, overwhelmed and like I am going to explode from the immense pressure on the inside...yes, literal pressure, I appreciate it all because I understand that there's something on the other end.  There are things being birthed in me, out of me, through me...my flesh is being challenged, my heart is being challenged, I am being made pure.  Gifts are being activated, developed, polished.  My spirituality is being challenged.  Order is being produced. I am being forced to Grow Up.

Oh, the silence...me, myself and Jesus...in such a small place also known referred as my head.  I'm learning me.  I'm learning Him.  I'm learned to trust Him and myself.  The silence is for a reason...it's just. so. loud.