Wow...it's almost been a year since I last blogged. I am not exactly sure if that is a testament to how busy I have been or a reflection of how long I've been silenced. Yes, silenced.
I am in this season where my words continually slip me and while I have 1 million and one things to say, the thoughts won't process enough for the words to come to my lips. Talk about silence being loud...inside my head, it's the noisiest place EVER...and then I am told to find ways to calm my spirit. HOW?! It's SO LOUD IN HERE!!!
I am not exactly sure how I got to this place. I'm sure it was a gradual progression. I know why I am silenced, in fact, I am even being slowed down...locked down even and I know why. All I can say is this season I am in...smh. MY GOD! We recently had a service where the spirit of God moved and Pastor said a couple of things that stuck with me but one that really stuck with me was when he said, "This season is growing you up." Never have I heard truer words spoken. There's this battle between flesh and spirit and I'm just caught in the middle. I want one thing, my flesh wants another, my moods are up and down, I'm pouty, whiny, irritated, agitated, everything's wrong with me, everything's great...all of this going on and I can't find words to explain what's happening when people are looking at me half crazy trying to understand. Boy, does that mess with your mind. You have a moment where someone is trying to help you and you can't find the words to explain...which means, you're forced to go through this alone. Silenced.
There's a whole other side to it though, outside of me feeling a little bit everywhere, overwhelmed and like I am going to explode from the immense pressure on the inside...yes, literal pressure, I appreciate it all because I understand that there's something on the other end. There are things being birthed in me, out of me, through me...my flesh is being challenged, my heart is being challenged, I am being made pure. Gifts are being activated, developed, polished. My spirituality is being challenged. Order is being produced. I am being forced to Grow Up.
Oh, the silence...me, myself and Jesus...in such a small place also known referred as my head. I'm learning me. I'm learning Him. I'm learned to trust Him and myself. The silence is for a reason...it's just. so. loud.
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